We have been looking after the same child with additional needs for over five years.
We have her from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon once a month. We always look forward to seeing her again and we plan different activities for us all to enjoy.
When we first thought about fostering, we considered what we would be able to commit to in terms of taking care of a young child again.
Our children are now grown up and living independently. We both go out to work.
We knew that realistically we could look after someone once a month. Dates would be agreed in advance with her long-term foster carers.
We must admit that we found it extremely difficult at first. We did not know how to read her moods or feelings or how to manage her behaviour. We were exhausted with lack of sleep.
At the end of the weekend her question was always, “Can I come again?” “Yes,” was always our reply and we would hope it would be easier next time!
Gradually it did become easier.
We learnt when she needed down time and the best ways to communicate with her. As she needed to know what we were going to be doing, we bought an activities poster where we all chose various things to do.
For example, going to the park, baking a cake, watching tv or listening to music. We also found a mood board useful where she could select an appropriate face to show how she was feeling, for example, tired, scared, or happy.
These were really useful tools. We also tried to draw a timeline for the day. Clean teeth, breakfast, and snack in the morning. Play, go out and watch television in the afternoon. Dinner, bath, and bed in the evening.
We bought blackout curtains to help her sleep and stay in bed longer in the summertime.
We had terrific tips from other foster carers and our Supervising Social Workers have all been great at offering techniques to help her self-regulate.
They also suggest suitable books for us to read and programmes to watch and notifying us of different training available to us.
Going camping for the first time was an eye-opening experience. We listened to the wind and heard farm animal noises in the nearby field. We sat on haybales listening to a live band and went for walks through woods as well as a day on the beach.
One breakthrough moment from that time was realising that she could sleep through the night without singing or chattering until the early hours of the morning! That had a massive impact on our bedtime and waking up routines which meant we had better quality of sleep and subsequently more energy and patience.
We have become more aware of what having attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) means in practice. Short attention span, lack of detail in work, constant activity, and movement.
Watching television together was another revelation. She kept her focus and watched the whole programme without speaking. We also learnt that she would ask to watch the same film or read the same book or go to the same places repeatedly, common traits for those with autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
We feel that our lives have been enriched by doing our short break fostering.
We are constantly learning, being challenged by our responses and reflecting about the best way to care for a child with additional needs. We have done lots of extra training covering subjects such as dealing with meltdowns, the effects of developmental trauma and Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA).
We have particularly valued looking at therapeutic parenting and trying to figure out why she behaves in a certain way rather than just why is she not doing as we ask.
Over the years she has spent time with our children, parents, and siblings.
A pivotal moment was when she saw we had put a photo of her with us on the living room wall next to photos of our children and parents.
We explained that is because she is part of our family. She beamed.
Another key moment was when she stopped asking if she could come again for a sleepover. She knew that she would be coming every month, regardless of what had happened that weekend.
We have always tried to be consistent and reinforce similar boundaries to her main carers. She values routines and familiarity and we try to maintain those so that she feels confident and able to fully join in with whatever we are doing.
We have our own traditions such as going for a bluebell walk, going to the beach, helping decorate the Christmas tree and doing a Christmas lights trail.
We have a good relationship with her long-term foster carers and family. We have had a barbecue together, celebrated birthdays and the odd drink or two when we take her home. We even all had a day out to Harry Potter world at Warner Brother studios, which was great fun.
On reflection, we feel so glad that we can offer one weekend a month to provide respite care.
We feel we do make a difference.
Weekends are special times when she can relax in a safe and familiar environment. We provide her with normal childhood experiences such as helping in the garden, feeding the cats or going to the supermarket. We have also enjoyed special activities such as going out to watch football matches - women’s and men’s - or a day out on a steam train.
We cherish each visit and we are looking forward to watching her progress as she matures and becomes more independent.
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